A Sardar and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York . The American asks if he would like to play a fun-game.
The Sardar, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."
Again, the Sardar declines and tries to get some sleep.
The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."
This gets the sardar's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The American asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Sardar doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the American.
"Okay," says the American, "Your turn."
So the Sardar asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The American thinks about it. No answer. Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.
No answer!
He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-staff.
Checks the input. All to no avail!
Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Sardar and hands him $500.
The Sardar thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.
The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardar and asks,
"Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Sardar reaches into his purse, hands the American $5, and goes back to sleep!
AdBux- Get Paid for seeing Ads
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Friday, December 7, 2007
Did You Know...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(think I know someone who could make TWO bombs!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to
the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of the ocean?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life, or maybe a piglion)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........in a woman maybe, can;t stop talking they can't, I know what my strongest muscle is)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing, but why would they want to anyway?)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(think I know someone who could make TWO bombs!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to
the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of the ocean?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life, or maybe a piglion)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........in a woman maybe, can;t stop talking they can't, I know what my strongest muscle is)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing, but why would they want to anyway?)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Thursday, November 29, 2007
HURRICANES N WOMEN
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Coincidence
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating. "
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating! " says the woman.
"What a coincidence, " says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating? "
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence, " says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and my last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence, " she said
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating. "
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating! " says the woman.
"What a coincidence, " says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating? "
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence, " says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and my last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence, " she said
Sunday, November 25, 2007
CHINESE PROVERBS
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tyred.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Wedding Ceremony
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced 'Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life.'
Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.'
The whole audience including priest started laughing....
But not the poor groom
Friday, November 16, 2007
Women are always Clever
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator. "
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you...to leave."
Man: "Hey Cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator. "
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you...to leave."
Man: "Hey Cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Thursday, November 15, 2007
New Technology Watch
There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport
terminal. Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The
gentleman bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his
watch. But this was no ordinary watch! He touches a tiny button and his
administrative assistant's face appears.
He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a
smile!
The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!!
He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?"
"It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the gentleman
explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's
brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.
The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy
this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a heavy price and the cash
was handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it
over and then walks away.
The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you
forgot your suitcases."
The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, "No, they are yours now. They
are the modems you always need to carry for your new watch.
terminal. Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The
gentleman bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his
watch. But this was no ordinary watch! He touches a tiny button and his
administrative assistant's face appears.
He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a
smile!
The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!!
He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?"
"It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the gentleman
explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's
brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.
The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy
this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a heavy price and the cash
was handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it
over and then walks away.
The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you
forgot your suitcases."
The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, "No, they are yours now. They
are the modems you always need to carry for your new watch.
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Best toast
Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006
John hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of my wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
John hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of my wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Chinese and spilberg
A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven
Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for
his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed
our Pearl Habour, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your
Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the
Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for
his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed
our Pearl Habour, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your
Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the
Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Friday, October 26, 2007
VASELINE RESEARCH
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a
young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the
product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and
say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate
hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I
admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell
me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put
it on the door knob to keep the kids out."
(AND YOU THOUGHT WHAT? )
young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the
product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and
say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate
hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I
admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell
me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put
it on the door knob to keep the kids out."
(AND YOU THOUGHT WHAT? )
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Monday, October 22, 2007
Evil Woman
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She
seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As
he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?"
she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he
replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I
can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I
need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of
her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What
should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she
whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in
the ladies room!"
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She
seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As
he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?"
she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he
replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I
can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I
need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of
her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What
should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she
whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in
the ladies room!"
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Saturday, October 20, 2007
random jokes
Q. Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex?
A. Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.
~~
Jill: Are you concerned about not having a man in your life right now?
Mary: Why should I be concerned? I have a mechanic, a handy-man, and
a yard-boy. I have plenty of batteries, and my shower massage works.
~~
Linda, whose daughter had just given birth to a beautiful, healthy
baby, showed up for a lunch date looking less cheerful than Jill
expected.
"What's wrong," Jill asked. "Are you depressed by the fact that
you're a grandmother?"
Linda responded with a barely perceptible smile. "No," she said.
"It's just that I'm not crazy about having to sleep with a
grandfather."
~~
A pair of stage-door Johnnies are ogling the cuties who
are leaving the dressing room. "Do you see that redhead
over there? I feel like screwing her again."
"Wow," said his buddy, "Do you mean to tell me you've
been doing it with that great looking broad?"
"No, I felt like it before, and I feel like it now.
~~
A. Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.
~~
Jill: Are you concerned about not having a man in your life right now?
Mary: Why should I be concerned? I have a mechanic, a handy-man, and
a yard-boy. I have plenty of batteries, and my shower massage works.
~~
Linda, whose daughter had just given birth to a beautiful, healthy
baby, showed up for a lunch date looking less cheerful than Jill
expected.
"What's wrong," Jill asked. "Are you depressed by the fact that
you're a grandmother?"
Linda responded with a barely perceptible smile. "No," she said.
"It's just that I'm not crazy about having to sleep with a
grandfather."
~~
A pair of stage-door Johnnies are ogling the cuties who
are leaving the dressing room. "Do you see that redhead
over there? I feel like screwing her again."
"Wow," said his buddy, "Do you mean to tell me you've
been doing it with that great looking broad?"
"No, I felt like it before, and I feel like it now.
~~
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Guys Vs Gals
How a GUY withdraws cash from ATM
1. Park the car
2. Go to ATM Machine
3. Insert card
4. Enter PIN
5. Take money out
6. Take ATM Card out
7. Drive away
How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM
1. Park the car
2. Check makeup
3. Turn off engine
4. Check makeup
5. Go to ATM
6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse
7. Insert card
8. Hit Cancel
9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it
10. Insert card
11. Enter PIN
12. Take cash
13. Go to car
14. Check makeup
15. Start car
16. Stop car
17. Run back to ATM
18. Take ATM card
19. Back to car
20. Check makeup
21. Start car
22. Check makeup
23. Drive for 1/2 mile
24. Release handbrake
25. Drive on.
--
1. Park the car
2. Go to ATM Machine
3. Insert card
4. Enter PIN
5. Take money out
6. Take ATM Card out
7. Drive away
How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM
1. Park the car
2. Check makeup
3. Turn off engine
4. Check makeup
5. Go to ATM
6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse
7. Insert card
8. Hit Cancel
9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it
10. Insert card
11. Enter PIN
12. Take cash
13. Go to car
14. Check makeup
15. Start car
16. Stop car
17. Run back to ATM
18. Take ATM card
19. Back to car
20. Check makeup
21. Start car
22. Check makeup
23. Drive for 1/2 mile
24. Release handbrake
25. Drive on.
--
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS
ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS RECORDED AND VERIFIED BY THE WORLD FAMOUS INTERNATIONAL INSTITUTE OF ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS.
1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right
now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll
get back to you as soon as we're finished.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those
reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company,
I already sent the money. If you are my parents,
please send money. If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If
you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are
a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4. Hi. Now you say something.
5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering
machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6. Hello. I am Matt's answering machine. What are you?
7. This is not an answering machine -- this is a
telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone,
think about your name, your number and your reason
for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
8. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding
someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I
don't call back, it's you.
9. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't
pick up the phone right now, because we're doing
something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up
and down, and I like doing it left to right... real
slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done
brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right
now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll
get back to you as soon as we're finished.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those
reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company,
I already sent the money. If you are my parents,
please send money. If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If
you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are
a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4. Hi. Now you say something.
5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering
machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6. Hello. I am Matt's answering machine. What are you?
7. This is not an answering machine -- this is a
telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone,
think about your name, your number and your reason
for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
8. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding
someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I
don't call back, it's you.
9. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't
pick up the phone right now, because we're doing
something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up
and down, and I like doing it left to right... real
slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done
brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Woman's Ultimate Fantasy
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night,When the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.
He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful,
sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous
that the woman could not help but stare.
The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and
with a sly, sexy smile, approached her.
Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and
whispered in her ear.
"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything,
absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized, for fifty
dollars. There's just one condition... "
Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man
said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then
reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her
address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his
waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear...
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
"Clean... My... House"
He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful,
sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous
that the woman could not help but stare.
The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and
with a sly, sexy smile, approached her.
Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and
whispered in her ear.
"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything,
absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized, for fifty
dollars. There's just one condition... "
Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man
said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then
reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her
address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his
waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear...
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
"Clean... My... House"
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Pretty Pussy...
John Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been
crying.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor
today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."
"WHAT!!" he shouts.
With that he grabs a baseball bat from the closet and storms down to
the doctor's office, straight through the reception. Without knocking
he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of
giving another lady an examination. She screams and tries to cover
herself. Without waiting, John charges up to the doctor, smashes the
baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert, how
dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!!"
The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith but there has been a
misunderstanding. I told your wife she has Acute Angina."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
crying.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor
today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."
"WHAT!!" he shouts.
With that he grabs a baseball bat from the closet and storms down to
the doctor's office, straight through the reception. Without knocking
he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of
giving another lady an examination. She screams and tries to cover
herself. Without waiting, John charges up to the doctor, smashes the
baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert, how
dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!!"
The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith but there has been a
misunderstanding. I told your wife she has Acute Angina."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Friday, October 5, 2007
CORPORATE LESSON # 4
CORPORATE LESSON # 4
_______________________________
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when He found The CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece Of paper In his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and Important
Document and my secretary has left. Can you make this Thing Work?"
"Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned The machine On, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper Disappeared inside The machine."I just need one copy."
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
_______________________________
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when He found The CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece Of paper In his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and Important
Document and my secretary has left. Can you make this Thing Work?"
"Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned The machine On, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper Disappeared inside The machine."I just need one copy."
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Rules for women
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
***********
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.
***********
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
***********
3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
***********
4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
***********
5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
***********
6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
***********
7. Crying is blackmail.
***********
8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
***********
9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
***********
10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
***********
11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
***********
12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
***********
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
***********
14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
***********
15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
***********
16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
***********
17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
***********
18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
***********
19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
***********
20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
***********
21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
***********
22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
***********
23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
***********
24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
***********
25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
***********
26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
***********
27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
***********
28. You have enough clothes.
***********
29. You have too many shoes.
***********
30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
***********
31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
***********
32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
***********
33. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
***********
***********
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.
***********
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
***********
3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
***********
4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
***********
5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
***********
6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
***********
7. Crying is blackmail.
***********
8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
***********
9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
***********
10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
***********
11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
***********
12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
***********
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
***********
14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
***********
15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
***********
16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
***********
17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
***********
18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
***********
19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
***********
20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
***********
21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
***********
22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
***********
23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
***********
24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
***********
25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
***********
26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
***********
27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
***********
28. You have enough clothes.
***********
29. You have too many shoes.
***********
30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
***********
31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
***********
32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
***********
33. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
***********
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Three nuns
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to goback to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren.'
And *poof*, she's gone.
The second says, 'I want to be Madonna' and *poof*, she's gone.
The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini...'
St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks.
'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says:
'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'
The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren.'
And *poof*, she's gone.
The second says, 'I want to be Madonna' and *poof*, she's gone.
The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini...'
St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks.
'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says:
'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'
Saturday, September 22, 2007
No more headaches?
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those
Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball
Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes
Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With
That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."
..
..
..
..
His funeral services will be held on Friday.
Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball
Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes
Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With
That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."
..
..
..
..
His funeral services will be held on Friday.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Take a break
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary.
It comes once a month.
Lasts about 5-7 days
And if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward...backward...forward... stop and eject.
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.
Seven qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful,
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful and
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.
Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 MALES a day.
A: Your salary.
It comes once a month.
Lasts about 5-7 days
And if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward...backward...forward... stop and eject.
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.
Seven qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful,
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful and
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.
Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 MALES a day.
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Maid and the madam
Jenny, who worked in a home as a maid sought
a raise in her wages.
When she asked her employer, the Madam was very upset
about this and
asked: "Now Jenny, please explain why do you want an
increase?"
Jenny: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want
an increase; the first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Jenny: "The master said so."
Madam: "Oh."
Jenny: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Jenny: "The master did."
Madam: "Oh, really?"
Jenny: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the master say so as well?"
Jenny: "No Madam, the gardener did."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a raise in her wages.
When she asked her employer, the Madam was very upset
about this and
asked: "Now Jenny, please explain why do you want an
increase?"
Jenny: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want
an increase; the first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Jenny: "The master said so."
Madam: "Oh."
Jenny: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Jenny: "The master did."
Madam: "Oh, really?"
Jenny: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the master say so as well?"
Jenny: "No Madam, the gardener did."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Monday, September 10, 2007
The Mime
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn
some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him
and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that
attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress
up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the
gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job.
He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws
bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just
swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more
attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top
of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the
lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise
for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible
day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The
mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The
mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with
the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but
the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his
back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you
idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him
and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that
attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress
up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the
gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job.
He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws
bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just
swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more
attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top
of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the
lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise
for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible
day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The
mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The
mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with
the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but
the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his
back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you
idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Monday, September 3, 2007
Tit for Tat
A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting
alone.
After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... Excuse
me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice : " NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.
The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his
table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and
says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how
people respond to embarrassing situations."
The young man responds loudly "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND
RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH !"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
alone.
After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... Excuse
me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice : " NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.
The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his
table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and
says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how
people respond to embarrassing situations."
The young man responds loudly "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND
RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH !"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Sales call to the Pope
Interesting [But sacrilegious] Read
The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with
the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, 'Your
Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for
you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church . if you
change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give
us this day our daily coffee'."
The Pope looks outraged and thunders, "That is impossible. The Prayer is
the word of the Lord, It must not be changed." Well," says the Nescafe man
somewhat chastened, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, and
the importance of the Lord's prayer to all catholics, we will increase our
offer to $300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer
from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily
coffee'."
Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible.
For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Nescafe director says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect
your adherence to your faith, we realise that tradition is essential to
your beliefs, we fully understand the importance of the word of the Lord
.................but we do have one final offer. Please discuss it with
your cardinals. We will donate $500 million to the great Catholic church
if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our
daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please, please
consider it." And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some
Good news," he announces, "and some bad news .....
The good news is, he continues to a hushed assembly, ' that the Church
will get $ 500 million."
"And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"Sadly" says the Pope ,
We would have to lose the Britannia Account............................
The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with
the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, 'Your
Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for
you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church . if you
change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give
us this day our daily coffee'."
The Pope looks outraged and thunders, "That is impossible. The Prayer is
the word of the Lord, It must not be changed." Well," says the Nescafe man
somewhat chastened, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, and
the importance of the Lord's prayer to all catholics, we will increase our
offer to $300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer
from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily
coffee'."
Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible.
For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Nescafe director says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect
your adherence to your faith, we realise that tradition is essential to
your beliefs, we fully understand the importance of the word of the Lord
.................but we do have one final offer. Please discuss it with
your cardinals. We will donate $500 million to the great Catholic church
if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our
daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please, please
consider it." And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some
Good news," he announces, "and some bad news .....
The good news is, he continues to a hushed assembly, ' that the Church
will get $ 500 million."
"And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"Sadly" says the Pope ,
We would have to lose the Britannia Account............................
--
Guess 1st innings score. Win 1 Lakh* Rupees.
SMS RUN<Your Score> to 8888.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Second opinion....again..
An American tourist goes on a trip to China .. While
in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does
not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving
back home In the States, he wakes one morning to find
his "tool" Covered with bright green and purple
freckles. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a
doctor. The Doctor, never having seen anything like
it, orders some Tests and tells the man to return in
two days.
The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says
"I've got bad news for you. You've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of
here. We know Very little about it". The man looks a
little perplexed And says "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me Up doc". The doctor answers "I'm
sorry, there's no known
Cure. We're going to have to amputate your "tool".
The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a
Second opinion".
The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead
if You want but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
Figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The
Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims "Ah
yes, Mongolian VD.
Vely lare disease".The guy says to the doctor "Yeah
Yeah, I already know that but what we can do? My
American doctor wants to operate and amputate my
Tool?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs
"Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They
Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two
Weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does
not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving
back home In the States, he wakes one morning to find
his "tool" Covered with bright green and purple
freckles. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a
doctor. The Doctor, never having seen anything like
it, orders some Tests and tells the man to return in
two days.
The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says
"I've got bad news for you. You've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of
here. We know Very little about it". The man looks a
little perplexed And says "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me Up doc". The doctor answers "I'm
sorry, there's no known
Cure. We're going to have to amputate your "tool".
The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a
Second opinion".
The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead
if You want but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
Figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The
Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims "Ah
yes, Mongolian VD.
Vely lare disease".The guy says to the doctor "Yeah
Yeah, I already know that but what we can do? My
American doctor wants to operate and amputate my
Tool?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs
"Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They
Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two
Weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
--
Wish all things were as intelligent as my mail.
Log on to the all-new and intelligent Indiatimes mail.
http://mail.indiatimes.com
Friday, August 17, 2007
Good Doctor's Advice
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
________________________________
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
________________________________
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up!
________________________________
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
________________________________
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
________________________________
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting
more vegetables be bad for you?
________________________________
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
________________________________
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the
best feel-good food around!
________________________________
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
________________________________
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other
- body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO,
What a Ride"
AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you!!!
=====================================================================
Friday, August 3, 2007
Jokes
Ladies hostel caught Fire. It took 1 hour to bring the
fire under control and another 3 hours to bring the
firemen under control.
fire under control and another 3 hours to bring the
firemen under control.
-------------------------------------------
Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be
the first thought to come in your mind?
Husband: that you are a lesbian.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps
in the U.S ???
Because the people started licking the wrong side!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Nobody is ever satisfied, Poor men wish they were rich,
Rich men wish they were handsome,
Bachelors wish they were married
& Married men wish they were Dead!
---------------------------------------------------------------
A girl says to her boyfriend, "One kiss and I'll be
yours forever."
The guy says 'thanks for the warning'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Husband Was Asked: "Do you talk to your wife
after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, If I Can find a Phone"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Definition of a Gynecologist: Someone who looks for
problems where
others look for pleasure!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man to wife on wedding night- "Are you sure I'm the
first man you are sleeping with?'
"Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the
others!'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday, July 28, 2007
FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD
Four guys, One each from Harvard, Yale, MIT University and SANTA were to be
Interviewed for a prestigious job. One common question was asked to all 4 of
them.
Interviewed for a prestigious job. One common question was asked to all 4 of
them.
INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?
YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light
HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; b'cos thought is so fast it comes instantly in
your mind.
MIT guy: Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you blinked
SANTA SINGH: Its Loose Motion
INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply, asked) "WHY"?
SANTA SINGH: Last Night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the
worst
stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it
was
over!!!!
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Little Johnny at it again
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for
once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I
have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll
get to meet after dinner."
The teacher faints
Friday, July 13, 2007
Mallu Jokes
1) What is the tax on a Mallu's income called?
IngumDax
IngumDax
2) Where did the Malayali study?
In the ko-liage.
3) Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?
He is very bissi.
4) Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in Gelff.
5) Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff?
To yearn meney.
6) What did the Malayali do when the plane caught
fire?
He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.
7) How does a Malayali spell moon?
MOON - Yem Woh yet another Woh and Yen
8) What is Malayali management graduate called?
Yem Bee Yae.
9) What does a Malayali do when he goes to America ?
He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.
10) What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
An Oto
11) Where does he pray?
In a Temble, Charch and a Maask
12) Who is Bruce Lee's best friend ?
A Malaya-Lee of coarse.
13) Name the only part of the werld, where Malayalis dont werk hard?
Kerala.
14) Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi
15) Why did Saddam Hussain attack Kuwait?
He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say'KEEP QUWAIT' 'KEEP QUWAIT'
16) What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line?
" Frem Tea Shops To Koll Cenders , We Are Yevery Where "
17) Why aren't Mals included in hockey and football teams ?
Coz Whenever they get a corner , they set up a tea shop.
18) Now pass this on to 5 Mals to get a free sample of
kokanet oil.
19) Pass this on 10 Mals to get a free pack of Benana Chibbs.
20) Pass this on to 15 Mals to get a set of BROGUN bones....
Dinner with girlfriend
A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could
you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may
be in with a chance!"
you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may
be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says, "Give me another Condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us."
A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness."
Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."
The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Crazily True
U love someone
U marry someone else.
The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband.
And the one u loved becomes the password of Ur mail id"
------------ ---
There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it. There's
only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbour has it. ------------
---
If someone says u r ugly, its ok, if someone says u r stupid, its ok, If
someone says u r genius slap him as tight as you can n say there is a
limit of kidding n u r now crossing the limit.
------------ ---
Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...
------------ ---
Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife kidney.
If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with other
kidney.
------------ ---
What's the diff between Dava &d Daru?
Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date and
Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.
------------ ---
Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?
Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain or wife
Be-Gum ho jaat hai.
------------ ---
The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter
speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut
U marry someone else.
The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband.
And the one u loved becomes the password of Ur mail id"
------------ ---
There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it. There's
only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbour has it. ------------
---
If someone says u r ugly, its ok, if someone says u r stupid, its ok, If
someone says u r genius slap him as tight as you can n say there is a
limit of kidding n u r now crossing the limit.
------------ ---
Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...
------------ ---
Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife kidney.
If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with other
kidney.
------------ ---
What's the diff between Dava &d Daru?
Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date and
Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.
------------ ---
Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?
Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain or wife
Be-Gum ho jaat hai.
------------ ---
The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter
speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Wake Up!
One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to
school."
SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the
teachers hate me."
MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to
go to school."
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand
your responsibilities.
Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.
MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to
school."
SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the
teachers hate me."
MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to
go to school."
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand
your responsibilities.
Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Certain Things In Life - Pretty Funny
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he
had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went
upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he
had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went
upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
The man & Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
The waitress asks for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Corporate Lessons Revamped
CORPORATE LESSON #1:
_______________________________
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is Finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few
Seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the Doorbell,
The wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel And runs
Downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, The next door Neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 Just to Drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for A moment, The woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands Over $800 and Quietly leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the Woman wraps Back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets Back to The bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who Was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about The $800 He owes me?"
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
Share critical credit information with your Stakeholders to Prevent Avoidable exposure!
************************************************
_______________________________
CORPORATE LESSON # 2
_______________________________
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side Of the road,
He stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly Accepted. She
Got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open And reveal a lovely Leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling The car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The Nun looked at Him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was Unable to Remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide Up her Leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but The mind is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a Meaningful Glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the Church, the Priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.
It Said,"Go forth and seek; further up, you will find Glory."
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
Always be well informed in your job; or, you might Miss great Opportunities!
************************************************
_______________________________
CORPORATE LESSON # 3
_______________________________
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they Rubbed the Bottle, a genie appears.
Thankful that the 4 guys had Released him Out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 Swimming pools,
I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards The pool and Jump, you shout What you want the pool of water to Become, then Your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, Jumped and Shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a Pool of wine.
The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from The pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and Shouted, "VODKA" And immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so Contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the Pool when Suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards The pool And shouted, "SH** !!!!!!!........."
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
Mind your language, you never Know what it will land You in.
************************************************
_______________________________
CORPORATE LESSON # 4
_______________________________
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when He found The CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece Of paper In his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and Important
Document and my secretary has left. Can you make this Thing Work?"
"Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned The machine On, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper Disappeared inside The machine."I just need one copy."
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is Finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few
Seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the Doorbell,
The wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel And runs
Downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, The next door Neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 Just to Drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for A moment, The woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands Over $800 and Quietly leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the Woman wraps Back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets Back to The bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who Was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about The $800 He owes me?"
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
Share critical credit information with your Stakeholders to Prevent Avoidable exposure!
************************************************
_______________________________
CORPORATE LESSON # 2
_______________________________
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side Of the road,
He stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly Accepted. She
Got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open And reveal a lovely Leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling The car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The Nun looked at Him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was Unable to Remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide Up her Leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but The mind is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a Meaningful Glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the Church, the Priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.
It Said,"Go forth and seek; further up, you will find Glory."
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
Always be well informed in your job; or, you might Miss great Opportunities!
************************************************
_______________________________
CORPORATE LESSON # 3
_______________________________
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they Rubbed the Bottle, a genie appears.
Thankful that the 4 guys had Released him Out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 Swimming pools,
I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards The pool and Jump, you shout What you want the pool of water to Become, then Your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, Jumped and Shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a Pool of wine.
The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from The pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and Shouted, "VODKA" And immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so Contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the Pool when Suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards The pool And shouted, "SH** !!!!!!!........."
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
Mind your language, you never Know what it will land You in.
************************************************
_______________________________
CORPORATE LESSON # 4
_______________________________
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when He found The CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece Of paper In his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and Important
Document and my secretary has left. Can you make this Thing Work?"
"Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned The machine On, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper Disappeared inside The machine."I just need one copy."
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
Difference between Potentiality and Reality
Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between 'Potential it y' and 'reality'?"
Dad: "I will show you"
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"?
Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity"!
Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 Million dollars?
Daughter: "Wow! Yes! He is my fantasy!"
So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with, Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"?
Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars! I would never hesitate!"
So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, 'Potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Sardar Jokes
Sardar declares:
.. . . I will never marry in my life &. . ...
.. . . I
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
SARDAR talking on cell.
2ND SARDAR: kis se baat kar raho ho.
1ST: biwi se.....
2ND: itne... pyar se....?
1ST: tumhari hai. . .
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
A donkey kicked sardar & ran away
sardar ran to catch the donkey.
He saw a zebra & started beating it & said
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
SLAM BOOK filled by Santa.
1.Strength:My wife,Jeeto.
2.Weakness:Banta
3.Oppurtunity: When Banta is on tour.
4.Threat:When I am on tour
============ ========= ========= ========
sardar: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Jeeto: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is
earlier it was 300ml now it
============ ========= ========= =====
On Jeeto
Sardar had no money, so he sent a cheque of 100 kisses.
When he returns home Jeeto said: Thanks I got cheque cashed
from bank manager.
============ ========= ========= ========
teacher: make a sentence in which 1 word repeated 4 times
sardar: lara dutta marries brian lara and she becomes lara lara
============ ========= ========= ======
Teacher: is line ki english banao, usne apna kaam kiya or karta hi
gya.
Santa: He done his work and done dana dan done dana dan....
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
Santa went to
Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan
Santa - oye dont worry yaar i
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
Sardar wanted to make a STD. call to punjab,
He wanted to save money so what did he do?
Simple, he went to punjab and made a local call.
============================================
Oye paaji, apni pregnant wife ko itne dard mein hospital
ki jagah pizza hut kyun leja raha hai........
Sardarji: Kyun key pizza hut mein"Delivery Free" hai.
========================================
Sardarji aapko bus me logo ne kyu mara?
Sardarji: Are yaar mere photo bus me niche gir
madam jara sari upper kijiye photo lena hai.....
================================================
A Sardar enters shop shouts, Where is my free gift with this oil?
Shopkeeper: Iske Saath koi gift nahin hai bhai saab...
Sardar : Oye ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE.
====================================================
One tourist from
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!
===========================================================
Teacher: A for?
Sardar: Apple
Teacher: Jor se bolo?
Sardar: Jay mata di.
=========================================================
American says: "
Sardarji says: "
===============================================================
When TITANIC was sinking, a man asks Sardarji, how far is LAND?
Sardar: 2kms....
Man jumps into THE sea & asks: which way?
Sardar: DOWNWARDS.
========================================================
Sardar orders pizza.
Waiter: Sir shud i cut it into 4 pieces or into 8 pieces?
Sardar: 4 hi karde 8 khaye nahi jayenge
=======================================================
Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.
Santa: Who r u?
Girl: Seeta here.
Santa:
=========================================================
Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?
Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag
hai jaise usko vapas karne aya hai.
===================================================
Sardar sitting on the top of the mountain and studying.
When a person asked what he was doing?
He replied, Oye! higher studies yaar.
===================================================
2 sardars were fighting after exam.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
1 Sardar: This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
1 Sardar: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we
both copied.
===================================================
A sardar learning english introduces his family in the party:
Hi! I am sardar,
this is my sardarni,
he is my kid,
& she is my kidney.
=============================
Sardar 1: I
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Second Opinion
Second Opinion
Woody laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Woody tried on the suit.. It fit perfectly.
As Woody admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a New shirt?"
Woody thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Woody and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Woody was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Woody tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Woody walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked," How about some new underwear?"
Woody thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."
Woody laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
Postcard on honeymoon
A mother had Three daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how Marital life felt.
The first girl sent a card fromHawaii
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card fromVermont
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways."Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. Mom fainted. ..........The ad said: ="Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
The first girl sent a card from
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways."Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. Mom fainted. ..........The ad said: ="Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Thursday, May 31, 2007
PONDERISMS
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most
people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to
buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no
one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come
to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song
about him?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why? Why? Why?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money in your account?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
Do you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
