The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he
had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went
upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
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Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
The man & Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
The waitress asks for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Corporate Lessons Revamped
CORPORATE LESSON #1:
_______________________________
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is Finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few
Seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the Doorbell,
The wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel And runs
Downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, The next door Neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 Just to Drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for A moment, The woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands Over $800 and Quietly leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the Woman wraps Back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets Back to The bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who Was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about The $800 He owes me?"
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
Share critical credit information with your Stakeholders to Prevent Avoidable exposure!
************************************************
_______________________________
CORPORATE LESSON # 2
_______________________________
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side Of the road,
He stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly Accepted. She
Got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open And reveal a lovely Leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling The car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The Nun looked at Him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was Unable to Remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide Up her Leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but The mind is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a Meaningful Glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the Church, the Priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.
It Said,"Go forth and seek; further up, you will find Glory."
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
Always be well informed in your job; or, you might Miss great Opportunities!
************************************************
_______________________________
CORPORATE LESSON # 3
_______________________________
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they Rubbed the Bottle, a genie appears.
Thankful that the 4 guys had Released him Out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 Swimming pools,
I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards The pool and Jump, you shout What you want the pool of water to Become, then Your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, Jumped and Shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a Pool of wine.
The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from The pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and Shouted, "VODKA" And immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so Contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the Pool when Suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards The pool And shouted, "SH** !!!!!!!........."
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
Mind your language, you never Know what it will land You in.
************************************************
_______________________________
CORPORATE LESSON # 4
_______________________________
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when He found The CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece Of paper In his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and Important
Document and my secretary has left. Can you make this Thing Work?"
"Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned The machine On, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper Disappeared inside The machine."I just need one copy."
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is Finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few
Seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the Doorbell,
The wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel And runs
Downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, The next door Neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 Just to Drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for A moment, The woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands Over $800 and Quietly leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the Woman wraps Back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets Back to The bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who Was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about The $800 He owes me?"
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
Share critical credit information with your Stakeholders to Prevent Avoidable exposure!
************************************************
_______________________________
CORPORATE LESSON # 2
_______________________________
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side Of the road,
He stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly Accepted. She
Got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open And reveal a lovely Leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling The car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The Nun looked at Him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was Unable to Remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide Up her Leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but The mind is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a Meaningful Glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the Church, the Priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.
It Said,"Go forth and seek; further up, you will find Glory."
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
Always be well informed in your job; or, you might Miss great Opportunities!
************************************************
_______________________________
CORPORATE LESSON # 3
_______________________________
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they Rubbed the Bottle, a genie appears.
Thankful that the 4 guys had Released him Out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 Swimming pools,
I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards The pool and Jump, you shout What you want the pool of water to Become, then Your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, Jumped and Shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a Pool of wine.
The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from The pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and Shouted, "VODKA" And immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so Contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the Pool when Suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards The pool And shouted, "SH** !!!!!!!........."
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
Mind your language, you never Know what it will land You in.
************************************************
_______________________________
CORPORATE LESSON # 4
_______________________________
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when He found The CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece Of paper In his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and Important
Document and my secretary has left. Can you make this Thing Work?"
"Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned The machine On, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper Disappeared inside The machine."I just need one copy."
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
Difference between Potentiality and Reality
Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between 'Potential it y' and 'reality'?"
Dad: "I will show you"
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"?
Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity"!
Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 Million dollars?
Daughter: "Wow! Yes! He is my fantasy!"
So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with, Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"?
Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars! I would never hesitate!"
So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, 'Potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Sardar Jokes
Sardar declares:
.. . . I will never marry in my life &. . ...
.. . . I
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
SARDAR talking on cell.
2ND SARDAR: kis se baat kar raho ho.
1ST: biwi se.....
2ND: itne... pyar se....?
1ST: tumhari hai. . .
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
A donkey kicked sardar & ran away
sardar ran to catch the donkey.
He saw a zebra & started beating it & said
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
SLAM BOOK filled by Santa.
1.Strength:My wife,Jeeto.
2.Weakness:Banta
3.Oppurtunity: When Banta is on tour.
4.Threat:When I am on tour
============ ========= ========= ========
sardar: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Jeeto: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is
earlier it was 300ml now it
============ ========= ========= =====
On Jeeto
Sardar had no money, so he sent a cheque of 100 kisses.
When he returns home Jeeto said: Thanks I got cheque cashed
from bank manager.
============ ========= ========= ========
teacher: make a sentence in which 1 word repeated 4 times
sardar: lara dutta marries brian lara and she becomes lara lara
============ ========= ========= ======
Teacher: is line ki english banao, usne apna kaam kiya or karta hi
gya.
Santa: He done his work and done dana dan done dana dan....
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
Santa went to
Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan
Santa - oye dont worry yaar i
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
Sardar wanted to make a STD. call to punjab,
He wanted to save money so what did he do?
Simple, he went to punjab and made a local call.
============================================
Oye paaji, apni pregnant wife ko itne dard mein hospital
ki jagah pizza hut kyun leja raha hai........
Sardarji: Kyun key pizza hut mein"Delivery Free" hai.
========================================
Sardarji aapko bus me logo ne kyu mara?
Sardarji: Are yaar mere photo bus me niche gir
madam jara sari upper kijiye photo lena hai.....
================================================
A Sardar enters shop shouts, Where is my free gift with this oil?
Shopkeeper: Iske Saath koi gift nahin hai bhai saab...
Sardar : Oye ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE.
====================================================
One tourist from
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!
===========================================================
Teacher: A for?
Sardar: Apple
Teacher: Jor se bolo?
Sardar: Jay mata di.
=========================================================
American says: "
Sardarji says: "
===============================================================
When TITANIC was sinking, a man asks Sardarji, how far is LAND?
Sardar: 2kms....
Man jumps into THE sea & asks: which way?
Sardar: DOWNWARDS.
========================================================
Sardar orders pizza.
Waiter: Sir shud i cut it into 4 pieces or into 8 pieces?
Sardar: 4 hi karde 8 khaye nahi jayenge
=======================================================
Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.
Santa: Who r u?
Girl: Seeta here.
Santa:
=========================================================
Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?
Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag
hai jaise usko vapas karne aya hai.
===================================================
Sardar sitting on the top of the mountain and studying.
When a person asked what he was doing?
He replied, Oye! higher studies yaar.
===================================================
2 sardars were fighting after exam.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
1 Sardar: This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
1 Sardar: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we
both copied.
===================================================
A sardar learning english introduces his family in the party:
Hi! I am sardar,
this is my sardarni,
he is my kid,
& she is my kidney.
=============================
Sardar 1: I
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Second Opinion
Second Opinion
Woody laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Woody tried on the suit.. It fit perfectly.
As Woody admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a New shirt?"
Woody thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Woody and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Woody was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Woody tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Woody walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked," How about some new underwear?"
Woody thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."
Woody laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
Postcard on honeymoon
A mother had Three daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how Marital life felt.
The first girl sent a card fromHawaii
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card fromVermont
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways."Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. Mom fainted. ..........The ad said: ="Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
The first girl sent a card from
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways."Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. Mom fainted. ..........The ad said: ="Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
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