The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467," cried the teacher, "what in the world were you selling?"
"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny. "Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "how could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Chip and Dip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing... 'Hey, this tastes like shit!'
Then I would say, "Of course, It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
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Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Black eyes
The naughty, Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.
His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
"But Dad, it was not my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That`s when she hit me!"
"Johnny," the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women."
The very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It was not my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn`t like this, so I pushed it back in!"
************
His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
"But Dad, it was not my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That`s when she hit me!"
"Johnny," the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women."
The very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It was not my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn`t like this, so I pushed it back in!"
************
Where is P?
Little Johnny asks the teacher, "Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?"
The teacher replies, "Yes, but only after you recite the alphabet, Johnny."
Little Johnny says, "Fine!" Then he quickly babbles out: "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZ!!!"
The teacher asks him, "Where is the P, Johnny?"
Johnny screams, "IT'S RUNNING DOWN MY LEG!!!
The teacher replies, "Yes, but only after you recite the alphabet, Johnny."
Little Johnny says, "Fine!" Then he quickly babbles out: "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZ!!!"
The teacher asks him, "Where is the P, Johnny?"
Johnny screams, "IT'S RUNNING DOWN MY LEG!!!
Blonde loses weight
An obese blonde with unhealthy overweight, went to Doctor.
Her doctor put her on a diet with strict advise. "I want you to eat regularly for two days and then skip a day. I want you to repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Wow, this is amazing!" the doctor said, "So you did follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded yes. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" The Doctor asked.
"No, from skipping", The Blonde explained.
******
Her doctor put her on a diet with strict advise. "I want you to eat regularly for two days and then skip a day. I want you to repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Wow, this is amazing!" the doctor said, "So you did follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded yes. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" The Doctor asked.
"No, from skipping", The Blonde explained.
******
Santa Banta Collection
Santa : Why did the man put his radio in his refrigerator?
Banta : I give up.
Santa : Stupid, because he wanted to hear cool music
Jasmeet : "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband Santa."
Judge : "But why ?"
Jasmeet : "Because he is not faithful to me."
Judge : "How do you know ?"
Jasmeet : "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
From his death bed, Santa called his wife Jasmeet and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Banta."
Jasmeet : "Banta ! But he is your enemy !"
Santa : "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
Banta : I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife Preeto that I'd be home tonight, and when I got into my room I found Preeto in another man's arms.
Santa : kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, she didn't get the fax."
Santa : "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, Jasmeet would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
Banta : "Why complain?, You're still getting the same service!"
Preeto : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
Jasmeet drew Santa's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
Santa : "I would love to, "But I don't know her well enough...may be you could introduce us..!
Santa : "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her." Banta : "And when you are angry, what do you do?"
Santa : "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
Jasmeet : My husband always comes home late, no matter how I try.
Preeto : "Take my advice, and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jaspal?" And that cured him.
Jasmeet : "Cured him !... But how?"
Preeto : "You know, his name is Banta."
Santa : "You looked troubled, what's your problem?"
Banta : "I'm going to be a father."
Santa : "But that's wonderful,"
Banta : "What's wonderful? My wife Preeto doesn't know about it yet.
It was mealtime on Punjab Airline .
Air Hostess : "Would you like dinner?"
Banta : "What are my choices?"
Air Hostess : "Yes or no,"
Jasmeet : You always carry my photo in your wallet to the office. Why?
Santa : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Jasmeet : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Santa : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Santa : "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
Jasmeet : "Honey, I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
Jasmeet : "What do you like most in me: my pretty face or my body?"
Santa : looking at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of Humor".
Santa went to a STD/ISD/PCO SHOP and slapped the operator twice. Guess why ?
because there it was written "Number Dial Karne Se Pehele Do Lagae"
Santa was driving with girlfriend Preeto to Chandigarh. He puts his hand on her lap.
She smiles and says, "You can go further dear..".
So, Santa drives to SHIMLA.
*******
Banta : I give up.
Santa : Stupid, because he wanted to hear cool music
Jasmeet : "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband Santa."
Judge : "But why ?"
Jasmeet : "Because he is not faithful to me."
Judge : "How do you know ?"
Jasmeet : "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
From his death bed, Santa called his wife Jasmeet and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Banta."
Jasmeet : "Banta ! But he is your enemy !"
Santa : "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
Banta : I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife Preeto that I'd be home tonight, and when I got into my room I found Preeto in another man's arms.
Santa : kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, she didn't get the fax."
Santa : "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, Jasmeet would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
Banta : "Why complain?, You're still getting the same service!"
Preeto : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
Jasmeet drew Santa's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
Santa : "I would love to, "But I don't know her well enough...may be you could introduce us..!
Santa : "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her." Banta : "And when you are angry, what do you do?"
Santa : "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
Jasmeet : My husband always comes home late, no matter how I try.
Preeto : "Take my advice, and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jaspal?" And that cured him.
Jasmeet : "Cured him !... But how?"
Preeto : "You know, his name is Banta."
Santa : "You looked troubled, what's your problem?"
Banta : "I'm going to be a father."
Santa : "But that's wonderful,"
Banta : "What's wonderful? My wife Preeto doesn't know about it yet.
It was mealtime on Punjab Airline .
Air Hostess : "Would you like dinner?"
Banta : "What are my choices?"
Air Hostess : "Yes or no,"
Jasmeet : You always carry my photo in your wallet to the office. Why?
Santa : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Jasmeet : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Santa : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Santa : "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
Jasmeet : "Honey, I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
Jasmeet : "What do you like most in me: my pretty face or my body?"
Santa : looking at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of Humor".
Santa went to a STD/ISD/PCO SHOP and slapped the operator twice. Guess why ?
because there it was written "Number Dial Karne Se Pehele Do Lagae"
Santa was driving with girlfriend Preeto to Chandigarh. He puts his hand on her lap.
She smiles and says, "You can go further dear..".
So, Santa drives to SHIMLA.
*******
Little Johnny
A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''
The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like the way you think.''
Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''
''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like the way you think.''
******
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''
The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like the way you think.''
Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''
''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like the way you think.''
******
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