VASELINE RESEARCH

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a
young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the
product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and
say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate
hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I
admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell
me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put
it on the door knob to keep the kids out."

(AND YOU THOUGHT WHAT? )

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Evil Woman

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She
seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As
he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?"
she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he
replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I
can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I
need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of
her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What
should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she
whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in
the ladies room!"

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random jokes

Q. Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex?
A. Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.
~~

Jill: Are you concerned about not having a man in your life right now?

Mary: Why should I be concerned? I have a mechanic, a handy-man, and
a yard-boy. I have plenty of batteries, and my shower massage works.
~~

Linda, whose daughter had just given birth to a beautiful, healthy
baby, showed up for a lunch date looking less cheerful than Jill
expected.

"What's wrong," Jill asked. "Are you depressed by the fact that
you're a grandmother?"

Linda responded with a barely perceptible smile. "No," she said.
"It's just that I'm not crazy about having to sleep with a
grandfather."
~~

A pair of stage-door Johnnies are ogling the cuties who
are leaving the dressing room. "Do you see that redhead
over there? I feel like screwing her again."

"Wow," said his buddy, "Do you mean to tell me you've
been doing it with that great looking broad?"

"No, I felt like it before, and I feel like it now.
~~

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Guys Vs Gals

How a GUY withdraws cash from ATM

1. Park the car
2. Go to ATM Machine
3. Insert card
4. Enter PIN
5. Take money out
6. Take ATM Card out
7. Drive away

How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM

1. Park the car
2. Check makeup
3. Turn off engine
4. Check makeup
5. Go to ATM
6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse
7. Insert card
8. Hit Cancel
9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it
10. Insert card
11. Enter PIN
12. Take cash
13. Go to car
14. Check makeup
15. Start car
16. Stop car
17. Run back to ATM
18. Take ATM card
19. Back to car
20. Check makeup
21. Start car
22. Check makeup
23. Drive for 1/2 mile
24. Release handbrake
25. Drive on.

--

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ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS

ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS RECORDED AND VERIFIED BY THE WORLD FAMOUS INTERNATIONAL INSTITUTE OF ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS.



1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right

now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll

get back to you as soon as we're finished.



2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those

reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.



3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company,

I already sent the money. If you are my parents,

please send money. If you are my financial aid

institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If

you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are

a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.


4. Hi. Now you say something.



5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering

machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.



6. Hello. I am Matt's answering machine. What are you?


7. This is not an answering machine -- this is a

telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone,

think about your name, your number and your reason

for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.



8. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding

someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I

don't call back, it's you.


9. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't

pick up the phone right now, because we're doing

something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up

and down, and I like doing it left to right... real

slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done

brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

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Woman's Ultimate Fantasy

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night,When the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.

He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful,
sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous
that the woman could not help but stare.

The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and
with a sly, sexy smile, approached her.

Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and
whispered in her ear.

"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything,
absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized, for fifty
dollars. There's just one condition... "

Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man
said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then
reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her
address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his
waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear...

..
..
..
..
..
..
..

"Clean... My... House"

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Pretty Pussy...

John Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been
crying.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor
today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."

"WHAT!!" he shouts.

With that he grabs a baseball bat from the closet and storms down to
the doctor's office, straight through the reception. Without knocking
he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of
giving another lady an examination. She screams and tries to cover
herself. Without waiting, John charges up to the doctor, smashes the
baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert, how
dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!!"

The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith but there has been a
misunderstanding. I told your wife she has Acute Angina."


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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CORPORATE LESSON # 4

CORPORATE LESSON # 4
_______________________________

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when He found The CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece Of paper In his hand.


"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and Important


Document and my secretary has left. Can you make this Thing Work?"


"Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned The machine On, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.


"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper Disappeared inside The machine."I just need one copy."

_______________________________

MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________

Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

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Rules for women

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.


***********


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.

***********


2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

***********


3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

***********


4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

***********


5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

***********


6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

***********


7. Crying is blackmail.

***********


8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

***********


9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

***********


10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

***********


11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

***********


12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

***********


13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

***********


14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

***********


15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

***********


16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

***********


17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

***********


18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

***********


19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

***********


20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

***********


21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

***********


22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

***********


23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

***********


24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

***********


25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

***********


26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

***********


27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

***********


28. You have enough clothes.

***********


29. You have too many shoes.

***********


30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

***********


31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

***********


32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

***********


33. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.


***********

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