Husband and wife

Husband & Wife - Why divorce?

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge:
"Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why ?" asked the judge.
She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know ?"
She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

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Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to
marry Samy."
"Samy! But he is your enemy !"
"Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
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Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
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Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.

Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
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Husband & Wife - Same Service

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
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Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband

One woman told another : "My neighbor is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
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Husband & Wife - Love To Do

A wife! , one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple ? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."

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Husband & Wife - No Answer Back

A man was telling his friends! , "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares to answer her."

One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?"

The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
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Husband & Wife - Come Home Late

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.

"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?"

The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Bill."
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Husband & Wife - Problem Father

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"

He replied, "I'm going to be a father."

"But that's wonderful," I said.

"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet."

Some Funny Facts

Similarities BRA and BAR
Both are drinking joints
Both have restriction time on closing and opening timings.
Both are flashy.
When open, both drive men mad.
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Why women wear undergarments with flowers printed on them?
To pay tribute to men who got buried under them.
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Why was the sardar arrested in the political rally?
Because he saw a lady journalist going with a badge on her chest which said 'PRESS' and he did.
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There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box.
The Female pencil got pregnant!!
Which Male pencil is responsible?
THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER
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Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation as
CHICKEN FARMER.
She replied: I RAISED 500 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!
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Secretary saw her boss' pant's zip open, she tells him, "Sir your Garage door is open."
Boss : Did U see my FERRARI?
Secretary : I saw a small scooter with 2 punctured wheels.
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My life has changed. What about yours?
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Love Lust & Marriage

(Very True)





LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST- when your tongues meet across a crowded room.

MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.



LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."

LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."

MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania. There really is one.



LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.

LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot?

MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.





LOVE - When you share everything you own.

LUST - When you steal everything they own.

MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.



LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.

LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.

MARRIAGE - When . . . uh . . . what's a climax?



LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."

LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.

MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to ***** about work.



LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.

LUST - When all you write is your phone number.

MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.



LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.

LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all-round.

MARRIAGE - When you're only concern is what's on T.V.



LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.

LUST - When you only see each other naked.

MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.



LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.

LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.

MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.



LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.

LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.

MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.



LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.

LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.

MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.



LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.

LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.

MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.



LOVE - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.

LUST - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.

MARRIAGE - When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.



LOVE - You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.

LUST - You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline.

MARRIAGE - You only leave the house when you're allowed.

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My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!

God Does'nt exist

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.
As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.
They talked about so many things and various subjects. When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."
"Why do you say that?"asked the customer.
"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist.
Tell me, if God exists,would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine loving a God who would allow all of these things."
The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument.
The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and un-kept.
The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."
"How can you say that?"asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber.And I just worked on you!"
"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."
"Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me."
"Exactly!" - affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

The Wise Sardar

A Sardar and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York . The American asks if he would like to play a fun-game.

The Sardar, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."

Again, the Sardar declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

This gets the sardar's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Sardar doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "Your turn."

So the Sardar asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The American thinks about it. No answer. Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.

No answer!

He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-staff.

Checks the input. All to no avail!

Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Sardar and hands him $500.

The Sardar thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.

The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardar and asks,

"Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Sardar reaches into his purse, hands the American $5, and goes back to sleep!

Did You Know...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(think I know someone who could make TWO bombs!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to
the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of the ocean?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life, or maybe a piglion)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........in a woman maybe, can;t stop talking they can't, I know what my strongest muscle is)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing, but why would they want to anyway?)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

HURRICANES N WOMEN

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Coincidence

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating. "

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating! " says the woman.

"What a coincidence, " says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating? "

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence, " says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and my last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence, " she said

CHINESE PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tyred.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Wedding Ceremony

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.

Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.

So he announced 'Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life.'

Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.'

The whole audience including priest started laughing....

But not the poor groom