"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
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Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Where is the money
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.
This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the book-keeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden.
The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you'retalking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper's temple, cocks it up and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the lawyer: "Well, what'd he say?"
The lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!!"
******
This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the book-keeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden.
The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you'retalking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper's temple, cocks it up and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the lawyer: "Well, what'd he say?"
The lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!!"
******
Friday, March 7, 2008
Some rules cannot be followed
A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.
"What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.
I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.
I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling............ My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
"What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.
I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.
I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling............ My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
Warm and Moist
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is she?
MAN: She's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
****************
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is she?
MAN: She's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
****************
Saturday, December 8, 2007
The Wise Sardar
A Sardar and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York . The American asks if he would like to play a fun-game.
The Sardar, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."
Again, the Sardar declines and tries to get some sleep.
The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."
This gets the sardar's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The American asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Sardar doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the American.
"Okay," says the American, "Your turn."
So the Sardar asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The American thinks about it. No answer. Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.
No answer!
He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-staff.
Checks the input. All to no avail!
Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Sardar and hands him $500.
The Sardar thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.
The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardar and asks,
"Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Sardar reaches into his purse, hands the American $5, and goes back to sleep!
The Sardar, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."
Again, the Sardar declines and tries to get some sleep.
The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."
This gets the sardar's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The American asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Sardar doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the American.
"Okay," says the American, "Your turn."
So the Sardar asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The American thinks about it. No answer. Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.
No answer!
He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-staff.
Checks the input. All to no avail!
Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Sardar and hands him $500.
The Sardar thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.
The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardar and asks,
"Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Sardar reaches into his purse, hands the American $5, and goes back to sleep!
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Three nuns
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to goback to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren.'
And *poof*, she's gone.
The second says, 'I want to be Madonna' and *poof*, she's gone.
The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini...'
St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks.
'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says:
'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'
The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren.'
And *poof*, she's gone.
The second says, 'I want to be Madonna' and *poof*, she's gone.
The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini...'
St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks.
'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says:
'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'
Saturday, September 22, 2007
No more headaches?
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those
Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball
Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes
Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With
That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."
..
..
..
..
His funeral services will be held on Friday.
Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball
Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes
Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With
That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."
..
..
..
..
His funeral services will be held on Friday.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Take a break
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary.
It comes once a month.
Lasts about 5-7 days
And if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward...backward...forward... stop and eject.
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.
Seven qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful,
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful and
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.
Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 MALES a day.
A: Your salary.
It comes once a month.
Lasts about 5-7 days
And if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward...backward...forward... stop and eject.
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.
Seven qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful,
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful and
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.
Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 MALES a day.
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
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Thursday, September 13, 2007
Maid and the madam
Jenny, who worked in a home as a maid sought
a raise in her wages.
When she asked her employer, the Madam was very upset
about this and
asked: "Now Jenny, please explain why do you want an
increase?"
Jenny: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want
an increase; the first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Jenny: "The master said so."
Madam: "Oh."
Jenny: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Jenny: "The master did."
Madam: "Oh, really?"
Jenny: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the master say so as well?"
Jenny: "No Madam, the gardener did."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a raise in her wages.
When she asked her employer, the Madam was very upset
about this and
asked: "Now Jenny, please explain why do you want an
increase?"
Jenny: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want
an increase; the first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Jenny: "The master said so."
Madam: "Oh."
Jenny: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Jenny: "The master did."
Madam: "Oh, really?"
Jenny: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the master say so as well?"
Jenny: "No Madam, the gardener did."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Monday, September 10, 2007
The Mime
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn
some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him
and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that
attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress
up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the
gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job.
He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws
bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just
swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more
attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top
of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the
lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise
for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible
day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The
mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The
mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with
the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but
the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his
back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you
idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him
and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that
attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress
up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the
gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job.
He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws
bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just
swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more
attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top
of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the
lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise
for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible
day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The
mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The
mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with
the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but
the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his
back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you
idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Monday, September 3, 2007
Tit for Tat
A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting
alone.
After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... Excuse
me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice : " NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.
The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his
table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and
says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how
people respond to embarrassing situations."
The young man responds loudly "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND
RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH !"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
alone.
After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... Excuse
me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice : " NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.
The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his
table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and
says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how
people respond to embarrassing situations."
The young man responds loudly "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND
RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH !"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Second opinion....again..
An American tourist goes on a trip to China .. While
in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does
not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving
back home In the States, he wakes one morning to find
his "tool" Covered with bright green and purple
freckles. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a
doctor. The Doctor, never having seen anything like
it, orders some Tests and tells the man to return in
two days.
The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says
"I've got bad news for you. You've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of
here. We know Very little about it". The man looks a
little perplexed And says "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me Up doc". The doctor answers "I'm
sorry, there's no known
Cure. We're going to have to amputate your "tool".
The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a
Second opinion".
The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead
if You want but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
Figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The
Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims "Ah
yes, Mongolian VD.
Vely lare disease".The guy says to the doctor "Yeah
Yeah, I already know that but what we can do? My
American doctor wants to operate and amputate my
Tool?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs
"Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They
Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two
Weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does
not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving
back home In the States, he wakes one morning to find
his "tool" Covered with bright green and purple
freckles. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a
doctor. The Doctor, never having seen anything like
it, orders some Tests and tells the man to return in
two days.
The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says
"I've got bad news for you. You've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of
here. We know Very little about it". The man looks a
little perplexed And says "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me Up doc". The doctor answers "I'm
sorry, there's no known
Cure. We're going to have to amputate your "tool".
The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a
Second opinion".
The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead
if You want but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
Figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The
Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims "Ah
yes, Mongolian VD.
Vely lare disease".The guy says to the doctor "Yeah
Yeah, I already know that but what we can do? My
American doctor wants to operate and amputate my
Tool?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs
"Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They
Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two
Weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
--
Wish all things were as intelligent as my mail.
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Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Little Johnny at it again
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for
once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I
have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll
get to meet after dinner."
The teacher faints
Friday, July 13, 2007
Dinner with girlfriend
A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could
you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may
be in with a chance!"
you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may
be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says, "Give me another Condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us."
A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness."
Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."
The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"
Monday, June 11, 2007
Sardar Jokes
Sardar declares:
.. . . I will never marry in my life &. . ...
.. . . I
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
SARDAR talking on cell.
2ND SARDAR: kis se baat kar raho ho.
1ST: biwi se.....
2ND: itne... pyar se....?
1ST: tumhari hai. . .
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
A donkey kicked sardar & ran away
sardar ran to catch the donkey.
He saw a zebra & started beating it & said
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
SLAM BOOK filled by Santa.
1.Strength:My wife,Jeeto.
2.Weakness:Banta
3.Oppurtunity: When Banta is on tour.
4.Threat:When I am on tour
============ ========= ========= ========
sardar: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Jeeto: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is
earlier it was 300ml now it
============ ========= ========= =====
On Jeeto
Sardar had no money, so he sent a cheque of 100 kisses.
When he returns home Jeeto said: Thanks I got cheque cashed
from bank manager.
============ ========= ========= ========
teacher: make a sentence in which 1 word repeated 4 times
sardar: lara dutta marries brian lara and she becomes lara lara
============ ========= ========= ======
Teacher: is line ki english banao, usne apna kaam kiya or karta hi
gya.
Santa: He done his work and done dana dan done dana dan....
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
Santa went to
Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan
Santa - oye dont worry yaar i
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
Sardar wanted to make a STD. call to punjab,
He wanted to save money so what did he do?
Simple, he went to punjab and made a local call.
============================================
Oye paaji, apni pregnant wife ko itne dard mein hospital
ki jagah pizza hut kyun leja raha hai........
Sardarji: Kyun key pizza hut mein"Delivery Free" hai.
========================================
Sardarji aapko bus me logo ne kyu mara?
Sardarji: Are yaar mere photo bus me niche gir
madam jara sari upper kijiye photo lena hai.....
================================================
A Sardar enters shop shouts, Where is my free gift with this oil?
Shopkeeper: Iske Saath koi gift nahin hai bhai saab...
Sardar : Oye ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE.
====================================================
One tourist from
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!
===========================================================
Teacher: A for?
Sardar: Apple
Teacher: Jor se bolo?
Sardar: Jay mata di.
=========================================================
American says: "
Sardarji says: "
===============================================================
When TITANIC was sinking, a man asks Sardarji, how far is LAND?
Sardar: 2kms....
Man jumps into THE sea & asks: which way?
Sardar: DOWNWARDS.
========================================================
Sardar orders pizza.
Waiter: Sir shud i cut it into 4 pieces or into 8 pieces?
Sardar: 4 hi karde 8 khaye nahi jayenge
=======================================================
Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.
Santa: Who r u?
Girl: Seeta here.
Santa:
=========================================================
Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?
Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag
hai jaise usko vapas karne aya hai.
===================================================
Sardar sitting on the top of the mountain and studying.
When a person asked what he was doing?
He replied, Oye! higher studies yaar.
===================================================
2 sardars were fighting after exam.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
1 Sardar: This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
1 Sardar: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we
both copied.
===================================================
A sardar learning english introduces his family in the party:
Hi! I am sardar,
this is my sardarni,
he is my kid,
& she is my kidney.
=============================
Sardar 1: I
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Postcard on honeymoon
A mother had Three daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how Marital life felt.
The first girl sent a card fromHawaii
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card fromVermont
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways."Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. Mom fainted. ..........The ad said: ="Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
The first girl sent a card from
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways."Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. Mom fainted. ..........The ad said: ="Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Monday, April 30, 2007
Elbow pain....
_______________________________________________________________________
One day, Pete complained to his friend,"My elbow really hurts. I guess I
should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that
can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a
sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell
you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine
sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started
flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper,which read: You have
tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be
better in two weeks.
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how
it would change medicalscience forever, he began to wonder if this could
be fooled.
He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water,
a stool sample from his dog,
and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the
computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed
lights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo.
3. Your daughter is getting screwed by three guys at
the same time and having urinary infection. Put her
on antibiotic and keep a track of her outings.
4. Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls. They
aren't yours. Get a Lawyer.
5. And bastard,....... if you don't stop jerking
off, your elbow will never get better !!!!!!
One day, Pete complained to his friend,"My elbow really hurts. I guess I
should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that
can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a
sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell
you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine
sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started
flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper,which read: You have
tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be
better in two weeks.
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how
it would change medicalscience forever, he began to wonder if this could
be fooled.
He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water,
a stool sample from his dog,
and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the
computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed
lights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo.
3. Your daughter is getting screwed by three guys at
the same time and having urinary infection. Put her
on antibiotic and keep a track of her outings.
4. Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls. They
aren't yours. Get a Lawyer.
5. And bastard,....... if you don't stop jerking
off, your elbow will never get better !!!!!!
_______________________________________________________________________
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Adult Jokes ....
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband
said, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and
sad at the same time." The wife thought for a few moments, then said,
"Your dick's bigger than your brother's."
The shy young man and his shapely date were parked under a romantic
moon. Placing his hand on her thigh, he whispered, "I love you." With
a deep sigh, the happy girl replied, "A little higher." "I love you,"
came the higher-pitched reply
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She
figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night,
while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session,
she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was
holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft,
wonderful and larger than a "real one." She went completely
ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could
you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
explain the toy... you explain the kids
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