At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to goback to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren.'
And *poof*, she's gone.
The second says, 'I want to be Madonna' and *poof*, she's gone.
The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini...'
St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks.
'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says:
'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'
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Showing posts with label adult. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adult. Show all posts
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
No more headaches?
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those
Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball
Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes
Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With
That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."
..
..
..
..
His funeral services will be held on Friday.
Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball
Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes
Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With
That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."
..
..
..
..
His funeral services will be held on Friday.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Take a break
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary.
It comes once a month.
Lasts about 5-7 days
And if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward...backward...forward... stop and eject.
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.
Seven qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful,
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful and
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.
Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 MALES a day.
A: Your salary.
It comes once a month.
Lasts about 5-7 days
And if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward...backward...forward... stop and eject.
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.
Seven qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful,
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful and
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.
Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 MALES a day.
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
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Thursday, September 13, 2007
Maid and the madam
Jenny, who worked in a home as a maid sought
a raise in her wages.
When she asked her employer, the Madam was very upset
about this and
asked: "Now Jenny, please explain why do you want an
increase?"
Jenny: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want
an increase; the first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Jenny: "The master said so."
Madam: "Oh."
Jenny: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Jenny: "The master did."
Madam: "Oh, really?"
Jenny: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the master say so as well?"
Jenny: "No Madam, the gardener did."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a raise in her wages.
When she asked her employer, the Madam was very upset
about this and
asked: "Now Jenny, please explain why do you want an
increase?"
Jenny: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want
an increase; the first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Jenny: "The master said so."
Madam: "Oh."
Jenny: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Jenny: "The master did."
Madam: "Oh, really?"
Jenny: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the master say so as well?"
Jenny: "No Madam, the gardener did."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Monday, September 3, 2007
Tit for Tat
A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting
alone.
After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... Excuse
me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice : " NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.
The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his
table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and
says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how
people respond to embarrassing situations."
The young man responds loudly "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND
RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH !"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
alone.
After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... Excuse
me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice : " NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.
The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his
table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and
says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how
people respond to embarrassing situations."
The young man responds loudly "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND
RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH !"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Second opinion....again..
An American tourist goes on a trip to China .. While
in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does
not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving
back home In the States, he wakes one morning to find
his "tool" Covered with bright green and purple
freckles. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a
doctor. The Doctor, never having seen anything like
it, orders some Tests and tells the man to return in
two days.
The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says
"I've got bad news for you. You've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of
here. We know Very little about it". The man looks a
little perplexed And says "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me Up doc". The doctor answers "I'm
sorry, there's no known
Cure. We're going to have to amputate your "tool".
The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a
Second opinion".
The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead
if You want but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
Figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The
Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims "Ah
yes, Mongolian VD.
Vely lare disease".The guy says to the doctor "Yeah
Yeah, I already know that but what we can do? My
American doctor wants to operate and amputate my
Tool?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs
"Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They
Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two
Weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does
not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving
back home In the States, he wakes one morning to find
his "tool" Covered with bright green and purple
freckles. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a
doctor. The Doctor, never having seen anything like
it, orders some Tests and tells the man to return in
two days.
The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says
"I've got bad news for you. You've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of
here. We know Very little about it". The man looks a
little perplexed And says "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me Up doc". The doctor answers "I'm
sorry, there's no known
Cure. We're going to have to amputate your "tool".
The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a
Second opinion".
The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead
if You want but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
Figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The
Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims "Ah
yes, Mongolian VD.
Vely lare disease".The guy says to the doctor "Yeah
Yeah, I already know that but what we can do? My
American doctor wants to operate and amputate my
Tool?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs
"Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They
Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two
Weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
--
Wish all things were as intelligent as my mail.
Log on to the all-new and intelligent Indiatimes mail.
http://mail.indiatimes.com
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Little Johnny at it again
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for
once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I
have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll
get to meet after dinner."
The teacher faints
Friday, July 13, 2007
Dinner with girlfriend
A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could
you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may
be in with a chance!"
you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may
be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says, "Give me another Condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us."
A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness."
Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."
The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Postcard on honeymoon
A mother had Three daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how Marital life felt.
The first girl sent a card fromHawaii
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card fromVermont
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways."Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. Mom fainted. ..........The ad said: ="Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
The first girl sent a card from
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways."Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. Mom fainted. ..........The ad said: ="Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Monday, April 30, 2007
Elbow pain....
_______________________________________________________________________
One day, Pete complained to his friend,"My elbow really hurts. I guess I
should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that
can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a
sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell
you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine
sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started
flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper,which read: You have
tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be
better in two weeks.
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how
it would change medicalscience forever, he began to wonder if this could
be fooled.
He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water,
a stool sample from his dog,
and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the
computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed
lights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo.
3. Your daughter is getting screwed by three guys at
the same time and having urinary infection. Put her
on antibiotic and keep a track of her outings.
4. Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls. They
aren't yours. Get a Lawyer.
5. And bastard,....... if you don't stop jerking
off, your elbow will never get better !!!!!!
One day, Pete complained to his friend,"My elbow really hurts. I guess I
should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that
can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a
sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell
you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine
sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started
flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper,which read: You have
tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be
better in two weeks.
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how
it would change medicalscience forever, he began to wonder if this could
be fooled.
He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water,
a stool sample from his dog,
and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the
computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed
lights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo.
3. Your daughter is getting screwed by three guys at
the same time and having urinary infection. Put her
on antibiotic and keep a track of her outings.
4. Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls. They
aren't yours. Get a Lawyer.
5. And bastard,....... if you don't stop jerking
off, your elbow will never get better !!!!!!
_______________________________________________________________________
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Adult Jokes ....
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband
said, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and
sad at the same time." The wife thought for a few moments, then said,
"Your dick's bigger than your brother's."
The shy young man and his shapely date were parked under a romantic
moon. Placing his hand on her thigh, he whispered, "I love you." With
a deep sigh, the happy girl replied, "A little higher." "I love you,"
came the higher-pitched reply
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She
figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night,
while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session,
she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was
holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft,
wonderful and larger than a "real one." She went completely
ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could
you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
explain the toy... you explain the kids
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