Daytime Affair

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"


So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope......... just when it's raining".

Honesty is best policy

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north AB out 9 months ago ?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I
have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm
afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything

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Still Women likes man

Interesting facts

Men are like computers – hard to figure out and never have enough memory

Men are like coolers – load them with beer and you can take them anywhere

Men are like chocolate bars – sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips

Men are like coffee – the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night

Men are like horoscopes – they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong

Men are like cement – after getting laid they take a long time to get hard
Men are like laxatives – they irritate the shit out of you

Men are like parking spots – the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped

A man is like a snowstorm – you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last

What should you give a man who has everything? – A woman to show him how to work it

How does a man show he's planning for the future? – He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? – The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? – They're hard to get started, emit foul odours and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? – After a year the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? – Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the difference between men and government bonds? – Bonds mature

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? – We don't know, it's never happened

Why are men like tile floors? – If you lay ' em properly the first time, you can walk over them for years.

What do you call a man with half a brain? – Gifted.

AND FINALLY …… Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? – Because these men already have boyfriends!

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Husband and wife

Husband & Wife - Why divorce?

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge:
"Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why ?" asked the judge.
She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know ?"
She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

__________________________________________________

Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to
marry Samy."
"Samy! But he is your enemy !"
"Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
__________________________________________________

Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
__________________________________________________

Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.

Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
__________________________________________________

Husband & Wife - Same Service

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
__________________________________________________

Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband

One woman told another : "My neighbor is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
_______________________________________________

Husband & Wife - Love To Do

A wife! , one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple ? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."

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Husband & Wife - No Answer Back

A man was telling his friends! , "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares to answer her."

One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?"

The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
________________________________________________

Husband & Wife - Come Home Late

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.

"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?"

The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Bill."
__________________________________________________

Husband & Wife - Problem Father

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"

He replied, "I'm going to be a father."

"But that's wonderful," I said.

"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet."

Some Funny Facts

Similarities BRA and BAR
Both are drinking joints
Both have restriction time on closing and opening timings.
Both are flashy.
When open, both drive men mad.
********************************************************
Why women wear undergarments with flowers printed on them?
To pay tribute to men who got buried under them.
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Why was the sardar arrested in the political rally?
Because he saw a lady journalist going with a badge on her chest which said 'PRESS' and he did.
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There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box.
The Female pencil got pregnant!!
Which Male pencil is responsible?
THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER
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Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation as
CHICKEN FARMER.
She replied: I RAISED 500 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!
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Secretary saw her boss' pant's zip open, she tells him, "Sir your Garage door is open."
Boss : Did U see my FERRARI?
Secretary : I saw a small scooter with 2 punctured wheels.
******************************************************

--
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Love Lust & Marriage

(Very True)





LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST- when your tongues meet across a crowded room.

MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.



LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."

LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."

MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania. There really is one.



LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.

LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot?

MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.





LOVE - When you share everything you own.

LUST - When you steal everything they own.

MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.



LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.

LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.

MARRIAGE - When . . . uh . . . what's a climax?



LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."

LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.

MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to ***** about work.



LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.

LUST - When all you write is your phone number.

MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.



LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.

LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all-round.

MARRIAGE - When you're only concern is what's on T.V.



LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.

LUST - When you only see each other naked.

MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.



LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.

LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.

MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.



LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.

LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.

MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.



LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.

LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.

MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.



LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.

LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.

MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.



LOVE - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.

LUST - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.

MARRIAGE - When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.



LOVE - You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.

LUST - You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline.

MARRIAGE - You only leave the house when you're allowed.

--
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God Does'nt exist

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.
As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.
They talked about so many things and various subjects. When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."
"Why do you say that?"asked the customer.
"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist.
Tell me, if God exists,would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine loving a God who would allow all of these things."
The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument.
The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and un-kept.
The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."
"How can you say that?"asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber.And I just worked on you!"
"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."
"Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me."
"Exactly!" - affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

The Wise Sardar

A Sardar and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York . The American asks if he would like to play a fun-game.

The Sardar, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."

Again, the Sardar declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

This gets the sardar's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Sardar doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "Your turn."

So the Sardar asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The American thinks about it. No answer. Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.

No answer!

He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-staff.

Checks the input. All to no avail!

Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Sardar and hands him $500.

The Sardar thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.

The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardar and asks,

"Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Sardar reaches into his purse, hands the American $5, and goes back to sleep!

Did You Know...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(think I know someone who could make TWO bombs!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to
the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of the ocean?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life, or maybe a piglion)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........in a woman maybe, can;t stop talking they can't, I know what my strongest muscle is)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing, but why would they want to anyway?)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

HURRICANES N WOMEN

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.