Woman's Ultimate Fantasy

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night,When the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.

He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful,
sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous
that the woman could not help but stare.

The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and
with a sly, sexy smile, approached her.

Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and
whispered in her ear.

"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything,
absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized, for fifty
dollars. There's just one condition... "

Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man
said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then
reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her
address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his
waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear...

..
..
..
..
..
..
..

"Clean... My... House"

--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!

Pretty Pussy...

John Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been
crying.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor
today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."

"WHAT!!" he shouts.

With that he grabs a baseball bat from the closet and storms down to
the doctor's office, straight through the reception. Without knocking
he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of
giving another lady an examination. She screams and tries to cover
herself. Without waiting, John charges up to the doctor, smashes the
baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert, how
dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!!"

The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith but there has been a
misunderstanding. I told your wife she has Acute Angina."


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!

CORPORATE LESSON # 4

CORPORATE LESSON # 4
_______________________________

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when He found The CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece Of paper In his hand.


"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and Important


Document and my secretary has left. Can you make this Thing Work?"


"Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned The machine On, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.


"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper Disappeared inside The machine."I just need one copy."

_______________________________

MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________

Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!

Rules for women

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.


***********


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.

***********


2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

***********


3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

***********


4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

***********


5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

***********


6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

***********


7. Crying is blackmail.

***********


8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

***********


9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

***********


10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

***********


11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

***********


12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

***********


13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

***********


14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

***********


15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

***********


16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

***********


17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

***********


18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

***********


19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

***********


20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

***********


21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

***********


22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

***********


23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

***********


24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

***********


25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

***********


26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

***********


27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

***********


28. You have enough clothes.

***********


29. You have too many shoes.

***********


30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

***********


31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

***********


32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

***********


33. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.


***********

--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!

Three nuns

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to goback to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren.'
And *poof*, she's gone.
The second says, 'I want to be Madonna' and *poof*, she's gone.
The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini...'
St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks.
'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says:
'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'

No more headaches?

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those



Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."



"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"



His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat



"I do not Have a Headache;



I do not have a headache,



I do not have a headache."



It Worked! The headaches are all gone."



The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."



His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball



Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the



Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"



The husband agrees to try it



Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his



Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.



He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.



His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"



The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes



Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.



Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With



That, He goes back in the bathroom.



This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,



She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,



"She's not my Wife.



She's Not my wife.



She's not my wife..."



..

..

..

..



His funeral services will be held on Friday.

Take a break

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?

A: Your salary.

It comes once a month.

Lasts about 5-7 days

And if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.



Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?

A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.



Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

A: Because they are tired of using their own.



Q: What's common between men and video?

A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward...backward...forward... stop and eject.



Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?

A: A teabag.



Seven qualities to be a perfect wife:

Beautiful,

Responsible

Energetic

Adorable

Sweet

Truthful and

Self-Organized.

In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S



Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?

A: Both keep searching for new holes.





Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?

A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology.

When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.



Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?

Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 MALES a day.

--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!

Maid and the madam

Jenny, who worked in a home as a maid sought

a raise in her wages.

When she asked her employer, the Madam was very upset

about this and

asked: "Now Jenny, please explain why do you want an

increase?"

Jenny: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want

an increase; the first is that I iron better than you."

Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Jenny: "The master said so."

Madam: "Oh."

Jenny: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Jenny: "The master did."

Madam: "Oh, really?"

Jenny: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Madam (very upset now): "Did the master say so as well?"

Jenny: "No Madam, the gardener did."





------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!

The Mime

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn

some money as a street performer.



However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him

and drags him into his office.



The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular

attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that

attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress

up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.



The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the

gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job.

He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws

bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.



However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just

swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more

attention to the lion in the cage next to his.



Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top

of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the

lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd

loves it.



At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise

for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.



Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the

crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible

day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The

mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The

mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with

the lion close behind.



Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but

the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his

back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you

idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!

Tit for Tat

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting

alone.



After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... Excuse

me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"



She responds in a loud voice : " NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH

YOU!"



Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.



The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his

table.



After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and

says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how

people respond to embarrassing situations."



The young man responds loudly "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND

RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH !"





---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------