At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to goback to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren.'
And *poof*, she's gone.
The second says, 'I want to be Madonna' and *poof*, she's gone.
The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini...'
St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks.
'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says:
'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'
AdBux- Get Paid for seeing Ads
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
No more headaches?
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those
Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball
Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes
Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With
That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."
..
..
..
..
His funeral services will be held on Friday.
Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball
Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes
Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With
That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."
..
..
..
..
His funeral services will be held on Friday.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Take a break
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary.
It comes once a month.
Lasts about 5-7 days
And if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward...backward...forward... stop and eject.
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.
Seven qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful,
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful and
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.
Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 MALES a day.
A: Your salary.
It comes once a month.
Lasts about 5-7 days
And if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward...backward...forward... stop and eject.
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.
Seven qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful,
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful and
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.
Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 MALES a day.
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Maid and the madam
Jenny, who worked in a home as a maid sought
a raise in her wages.
When she asked her employer, the Madam was very upset
about this and
asked: "Now Jenny, please explain why do you want an
increase?"
Jenny: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want
an increase; the first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Jenny: "The master said so."
Madam: "Oh."
Jenny: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Jenny: "The master did."
Madam: "Oh, really?"
Jenny: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the master say so as well?"
Jenny: "No Madam, the gardener did."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a raise in her wages.
When she asked her employer, the Madam was very upset
about this and
asked: "Now Jenny, please explain why do you want an
increase?"
Jenny: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want
an increase; the first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Jenny: "The master said so."
Madam: "Oh."
Jenny: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Jenny: "The master did."
Madam: "Oh, really?"
Jenny: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the master say so as well?"
Jenny: "No Madam, the gardener did."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Monday, September 10, 2007
The Mime
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn
some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him
and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that
attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress
up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the
gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job.
He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws
bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just
swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more
attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top
of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the
lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise
for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible
day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The
mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The
mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with
the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but
the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his
back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you
idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him
and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that
attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress
up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the
gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job.
He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws
bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just
swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more
attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top
of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the
lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise
for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible
day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The
mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The
mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with
the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but
the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his
back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you
idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
--
My life has changed. What about yours?
Log on to the new Indiatimes Mail and Live out of the Inbox!
Monday, September 3, 2007
Tit for Tat
A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting
alone.
After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... Excuse
me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice : " NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.
The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his
table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and
says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how
people respond to embarrassing situations."
The young man responds loudly "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND
RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH !"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
alone.
After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... Excuse
me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice : " NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.
The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his
table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and
says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how
people respond to embarrassing situations."
The young man responds loudly "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND
RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH !"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Sales call to the Pope
Interesting [But sacrilegious] Read
The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with
the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, 'Your
Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for
you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church . if you
change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give
us this day our daily coffee'."
The Pope looks outraged and thunders, "That is impossible. The Prayer is
the word of the Lord, It must not be changed." Well," says the Nescafe man
somewhat chastened, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, and
the importance of the Lord's prayer to all catholics, we will increase our
offer to $300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer
from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily
coffee'."
Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible.
For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Nescafe director says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect
your adherence to your faith, we realise that tradition is essential to
your beliefs, we fully understand the importance of the word of the Lord
.................but we do have one final offer. Please discuss it with
your cardinals. We will donate $500 million to the great Catholic church
if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our
daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please, please
consider it." And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some
Good news," he announces, "and some bad news .....
The good news is, he continues to a hushed assembly, ' that the Church
will get $ 500 million."
"And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"Sadly" says the Pope ,
We would have to lose the Britannia Account............................
The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with
the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, 'Your
Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for
you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church . if you
change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give
us this day our daily coffee'."
The Pope looks outraged and thunders, "That is impossible. The Prayer is
the word of the Lord, It must not be changed." Well," says the Nescafe man
somewhat chastened, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, and
the importance of the Lord's prayer to all catholics, we will increase our
offer to $300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer
from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily
coffee'."
Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible.
For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Nescafe director says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect
your adherence to your faith, we realise that tradition is essential to
your beliefs, we fully understand the importance of the word of the Lord
.................but we do have one final offer. Please discuss it with
your cardinals. We will donate $500 million to the great Catholic church
if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our
daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please, please
consider it." And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some
Good news," he announces, "and some bad news .....
The good news is, he continues to a hushed assembly, ' that the Church
will get $ 500 million."
"And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"Sadly" says the Pope ,
We would have to lose the Britannia Account............................
--
Guess 1st innings score. Win 1 Lakh* Rupees.
SMS RUN<Your Score> to 8888.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Second opinion....again..
An American tourist goes on a trip to China .. While
in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does
not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving
back home In the States, he wakes one morning to find
his "tool" Covered with bright green and purple
freckles. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a
doctor. The Doctor, never having seen anything like
it, orders some Tests and tells the man to return in
two days.
The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says
"I've got bad news for you. You've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of
here. We know Very little about it". The man looks a
little perplexed And says "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me Up doc". The doctor answers "I'm
sorry, there's no known
Cure. We're going to have to amputate your "tool".
The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a
Second opinion".
The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead
if You want but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
Figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The
Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims "Ah
yes, Mongolian VD.
Vely lare disease".The guy says to the doctor "Yeah
Yeah, I already know that but what we can do? My
American doctor wants to operate and amputate my
Tool?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs
"Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They
Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two
Weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does
not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving
back home In the States, he wakes one morning to find
his "tool" Covered with bright green and purple
freckles. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a
doctor. The Doctor, never having seen anything like
it, orders some Tests and tells the man to return in
two days.
The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says
"I've got bad news for you. You've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of
here. We know Very little about it". The man looks a
little perplexed And says "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me Up doc". The doctor answers "I'm
sorry, there's no known
Cure. We're going to have to amputate your "tool".
The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a
Second opinion".
The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead
if You want but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
Figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The
Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims "Ah
yes, Mongolian VD.
Vely lare disease".The guy says to the doctor "Yeah
Yeah, I already know that but what we can do? My
American doctor wants to operate and amputate my
Tool?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs
"Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They
Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two
Weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
--
Wish all things were as intelligent as my mail.
Log on to the all-new and intelligent Indiatimes mail.
http://mail.indiatimes.com
Friday, August 17, 2007
Good Doctor's Advice
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
________________________________
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
________________________________
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up!
________________________________
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
________________________________
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
________________________________
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting
more vegetables be bad for you?
________________________________
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
________________________________
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the
best feel-good food around!
________________________________
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
________________________________
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other
- body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO,
What a Ride"
AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you!!!
=====================================================================
Friday, August 3, 2007
Jokes
Ladies hostel caught Fire. It took 1 hour to bring the
fire under control and another 3 hours to bring the
firemen under control.
fire under control and another 3 hours to bring the
firemen under control.
-------------------------------------------
Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be
the first thought to come in your mind?
Husband: that you are a lesbian.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps
in the U.S ???
Because the people started licking the wrong side!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Nobody is ever satisfied, Poor men wish they were rich,
Rich men wish they were handsome,
Bachelors wish they were married
& Married men wish they were Dead!
---------------------------------------------------------------
A girl says to her boyfriend, "One kiss and I'll be
yours forever."
The guy says 'thanks for the warning'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Husband Was Asked: "Do you talk to your wife
after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, If I Can find a Phone"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Definition of a Gynecologist: Someone who looks for
problems where
others look for pleasure!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man to wife on wedding night- "Are you sure I'm the
first man you are sleeping with?'
"Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the
others!'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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