PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most
people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to
buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no
one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come
to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song
about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why? Why? Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money in your account?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

Do you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...

Modern Pachatantra

---

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop

programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a

river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday

market.

 

 

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell

in the river. Encouraged by the Panchtantra story of his childhood (the

woodcutter and the axe), he started praying to the River Goddess. The

River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of

rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in

the river.

 

As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match

box and asked, "Is this your computer ?" Disappointed by the Goddess' lack

of computer awareness, the engineer replied, "No."

 

She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his.

 

Annoyed, the Engineer said "No, not at all!!"

 

Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.

 

 

The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes."

 

 

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him

all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer Asked

her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me some better computers

before bringing up my own ?"

 

 

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid

donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the

Billennium, the latest computers from IBM !". So saying, she disappeared

with the Pentium!!

 

 

 

 

 

MORAL

 

 

If you're not up-to-date with technology trends , it's better to keep your

mouth shut and let people think you're a fool than to open your mouth and

remove all doubt.

---

IT Consultant

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on
the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses,

TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and

asks the Shepherd: If I can tell you how many sheep you have,

will you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at the young man,

and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax,

enters a NASA Webster, scans the Ground using his GPS,

opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables,

then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.

He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The shepherd cheers,"that's correct, you can have your sheep."

The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks:

"If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"

The young man answers, "Yes, why not".

The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ".

How did you know?" asks the young man.

"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called.

Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew,

and third, you don't understand anything about my business...

Now can I have my DOG back?

Exothermic equation for hell

Engineering joke -
 
 
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor
shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...
 
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
 
Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,
(gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
 
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions
that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are
more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth
and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell
to increase exponentially.
 
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This
gives two possibilities:
 
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
 
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.
 
So which is it?
 
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my
Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true,
and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
 
This student received the only A.

Fun on Excercise

---

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

---

Sweet nothing

THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE:  Living on Earth is expensive,  but it does include a free trip  Around the sun every year.    How long a minute is  depends on what side of the  bathroom door you're on.  Birthdays are good for you;  the more you have,  the longer you live.    Happiness comes through doors you  didn't even know you left open.    Ever notice that the people who are late  are often much jollier  than the people who have to wait for them?  Most of us go to our grave  with our music still inside of us.  If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,  how come nothing is free yet?  You may be only one person in the world,  but you may also be the world to one person.    Some mistakes are too much fun  to only make once.    Don't cry because it's over;  smile because it happened.    We could learn a lot from crayons:  some are sharp, some are pretty,  some are dull, some have weird names,  and all are different colors....but  they all exist very nicely in the same box.    A truly happy person is one who  can enjoy the scenery on a detour.  Have an awesome day, and  know that someone  who thinks you're great  has thought about you today!..  "And that person was me.".....  Please don't keep this message  to yourself.....send it to those  who mean so much to you.... "NOW".    Working for God on earth does not pay much,  but His Retirement plan is out of this world.

The story of a ......

This is a story about
a Fly, a Fish, a Bear
a Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story......

(Maybe not the one
most of you expect....
So, read on!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

"Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist
from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking,
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking,
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
that fish will jump for the fly...
and I will grab the fish!!"

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.... "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish leaps for it...
that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now, you probably think this is
enough activity on one river bank,

but I can tell you there's more....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish jumps for that fly..
and that bear grabs for that fish..
the dumb hunter will shoot the bear
and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
this particular river around lunch time)
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
and that fish jumps for that fly ..
and that bear grabs for that fish
and that hunter shoots that bear..
and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ..
Then I can have mouse for lunch."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish..

The hunter shoots the bear..

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOW, The Moral Of The Story....


Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

some pussy is gonna be in serious danger.

Elbow pain....

_______________________________________________________________________
One day, Pete complained to his friend,"My elbow really hurts. I guess I
should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that
can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a
sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell
you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine
sample and went to the drug store.

Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started
flashing.

After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper,which read: You have
tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be
better in two weeks.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how
it would change medicalscience forever, he began to wonder if this could
be fooled.

He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water,
a stool sample from his dog,
and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the
computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed
lights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo.

3. Your daughter is getting screwed by three guys at
the same time and having urinary infection. Put her
on antibiotic and keep a track of her outings.

4. Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls. They
aren't yours. Get a Lawyer.

5. And bastard,....... if you don't stop jerking
off, your elbow will never get better !!!!!!

_______________________________________________________________________

Toilet Signs

---

Don't ask for directions. Now that it is very clear.

Too easy to identify? Huh.

That's the way it must flow. In case you don't know.

Should you stand or sit ?

Well it is obvious. Can't just wait.

---