Coincidence

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating. "

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating! " says the woman.

"What a coincidence, " says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating? "

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence, " says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and my last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence, " she said

CHINESE PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tyred.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Wedding Ceremony

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.

Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.

So he announced 'Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life.'

Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.'

The whole audience including priest started laughing....

But not the poor groom

Women are always Clever

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator. "

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you...to leave."

Man: "Hey Cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there

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New Technology Watch

There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport
terminal. Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The
gentleman bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his
watch. But this was no ordinary watch! He touches a tiny button and his
administrative assistant's face appears.

He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a
smile!

The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!!

He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?"

"It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the gentleman
explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's
brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.

The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy
this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a heavy price and the cash
was handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it
over and then walks away.

The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you
forgot your suitcases."

The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, "No, they are yours now. They
are the modems you always need to carry for your new watch.

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Best toast

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006

John hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of my wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Chinese and spilberg

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven
Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for
his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed
our Pearl Habour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your
Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the
Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

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VASELINE RESEARCH

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a
young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the
product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and
say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate
hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I
admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell
me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put
it on the door knob to keep the kids out."

(AND YOU THOUGHT WHAT? )

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Evil Woman

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She
seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As
he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?"
she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he
replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I
can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I
need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of
her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What
should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she
whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in
the ladies room!"

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random jokes

Q. Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex?
A. Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.
~~

Jill: Are you concerned about not having a man in your life right now?

Mary: Why should I be concerned? I have a mechanic, a handy-man, and
a yard-boy. I have plenty of batteries, and my shower massage works.
~~

Linda, whose daughter had just given birth to a beautiful, healthy
baby, showed up for a lunch date looking less cheerful than Jill
expected.

"What's wrong," Jill asked. "Are you depressed by the fact that
you're a grandmother?"

Linda responded with a barely perceptible smile. "No," she said.
"It's just that I'm not crazy about having to sleep with a
grandfather."
~~

A pair of stage-door Johnnies are ogling the cuties who
are leaving the dressing room. "Do you see that redhead
over there? I feel like screwing her again."

"Wow," said his buddy, "Do you mean to tell me you've
been doing it with that great looking broad?"

"No, I felt like it before, and I feel like it now.
~~

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