Little Johnny at it again

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for
once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I
have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll
get to meet after dinner."

The teacher faints

Mallu Jokes

1) What is the tax on a Mallu's income called?
IngumDax

2) Where did the Malayali study?
In the ko-liage.

3) Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?
He is very bissi.

4) Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in Gelff.

5) Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff?
To yearn meney.

6) What did the Malayali do when the plane caught
fire?
He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

7) How does a Malayali spell moon?
MOON - Yem Woh yet another Woh and Yen

8) What is Malayali management graduate called?
Yem Bee Yae.

9) What does a Malayali do when he goes to America ?
He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.

10) What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
An Oto

11) Where does he pray?
In a Temble, Charch and a Maask

12) Who is Bruce Lee's best friend ?
A Malaya-Lee of coarse.

13) Name the only part of the werld, where Malayalis dont werk hard?
Kerala.

14) Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi

15) Why did Saddam Hussain attack Kuwait?
He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say'KEEP QUWAIT' 'KEEP QUWAIT'

16) What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line?
" Frem Tea Shops To Koll Cenders , We Are Yevery Where "

17) Why aren't Mals included in hockey and football teams ?
Coz Whenever they get a corner , they set up a tea shop.

18) Now pass this on to 5 Mals to get a free sample of
kokanet oil.

19) Pass this on 10 Mals to get a free pack of Benana Chibbs.

20) Pass this on to 15 Mals to get a set of BROGUN bones....

Dinner with girlfriend

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could
you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may
be in with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says, "Give me another Condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us."

A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness."

Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."

The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

Crazily True

U love someone
U marry someone else.
The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband.
And the one u loved becomes the password of Ur mail id"
------------ ---
There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it. There's
only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbour has it. ------------
---
If someone says u r ugly, its ok, if someone says u r stupid, its ok, If
someone says u r genius slap him as tight as you can n say there is a
limit of kidding n u r now crossing the limit.
------------ ---
Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...
------------ ---
Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife kidney.
If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with other
kidney.
------------ ---
What's the diff between Dava &d Daru?
Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date and
Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.
------------ ---
Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?
Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain or wife
Be-Gum ho jaat hai.
------------ ---
The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter
speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut

Wake Up!

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to
school."
SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the
teachers hate me."
MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to
go to school."
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand
your responsibilities.
Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.

Certain Things In Life - Pretty Funny

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he
had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went
upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."


The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

The man & Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Corporate Lessons Revamped

  CORPORATE LESSON #1:

_______________________________
 
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is Finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few
Seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the Doorbell,
 
 
The wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel And runs
 
 
Downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, The next door Neighbor.
 
 
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 Just to Drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for A moment, The woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
 
 
Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands Over $800 and Quietly leaves.
 
 
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the Woman wraps Back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets Back to The bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who Was that?"
 
 
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
 
 
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about The $800 He owes me?"
 
_______________________________
 
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
 
Share critical credit information with your Stakeholders to Prevent Avoidable exposure!
 
 
************************************************
_______________________________
 
CORPORATE LESSON # 2
_______________________________
 
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side Of the road,
 
 
He stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly Accepted. She
 
 
Got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open And reveal a lovely Leg.
 
 
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling The car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The Nun looked at Him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
 
 
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
 
 
He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was Unable to Remove his eyes from her leg.
 
 
Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide Up her Leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
 
 
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but The mind is weak."
 
 
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a Meaningful Glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the Church, the Priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.
 
 
It Said,"Go forth and seek; further up, you will find Glory."
_______________________________
 
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
 
Always be well informed in your job; or, you might Miss great Opportunities!
 
 
 
************************************************
_______________________________
 
CORPORATE LESSON # 3
_______________________________
 
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they Rubbed the Bottle, a genie appears.
 
 
Thankful that the 4 guys had Released him Out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 Swimming pools,
I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards The pool and Jump, you shout What you want the pool of water to Become, then Your wish will come true."
 
 
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, Jumped and Shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a Pool of wine.
 
 
The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from The pool.
 
 
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and Shouted, "VODKA" And immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
 
 
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so Contented with his beer pool.
 
 
The last is the American. He was running towards the Pool when Suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards The pool And shouted, "SH** !!!!!!!........."
 
_______________________________
 
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
 
Mind your language, you never Know what it will land You in.
 
 
 
************************************************
_______________________________
 
CORPORATE LESSON # 4
_______________________________
 
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when He found The CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece Of paper In his hand.
 
 
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and Important
 
 
Document and my secretary has left. Can you make this Thing Work?"
 
 
"Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned The machine On, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
 
 
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper Disappeared inside The machine."I just need one copy."
 
_______________________________
 
MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________
 
Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.  

Difference between Potentiality and Reality

Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between 'Potential it y' and 'reality'?"

Dad: "I will show you"
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"?
Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity"!

Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 Million dollars?
Daughter: "Wow! Yes! He is my fantasy!"

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with, Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"?
Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars! I would never hesitate!"

So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, 'Potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.

Sardar Jokes

Sardar declares:

.. . . I will never marry in my life &. . ...

.. . . I'll give same advice to my children also. .. . . .

============ ========= ========= ========= ===


SARDAR talking on cell.

2ND SARDAR: kis se baat kar raho ho.

1ST: biwi se.....

2ND: itne... pyar se....?

1ST: tumhari hai. . .

============ ========= ========= ========= ===

A donkey kicked sardar & ran away

sardar ran to catch the donkey.

He saw a zebra & started beating it & said


'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.

============ ========= ========= ========= ===

SLAM BOOK filled by Santa.


1.Strength:My wife,Jeeto.


2.Weakness:Banta' s wife,Preeto.


3.Oppurtunity: When Banta is on tour.


4.Threat:When I am on tour


============ ========= ========= ========

sardar: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.

Jeeto: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is

earlier it was 300ml now it's 1.5 ltr.
============ ========= ========= =====

On Jeeto's bday

Sardar had no money, so he sent a cheque of 100 kisses.

When he returns home Jeeto said: Thanks I got cheque cashed


from bank manager.

============ ========= ========= ========

teacher: make a sentence in which 1 word repeated 4 times

sardar: lara dutta marries brian lara and she becomes lara lara

============ ========= ========= ======

Teacher: is line ki english banao, usne apna kaam kiya or karta hi
gya.

Santa: He done his work and done dana dan done dana dan....

============ ========= ========= ========= ===

Santa went to mysore palace.

Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair

Santa - oye dont worry yaar i'll get up when he comes.!!..

============ ========= ========= ========= ===

Sardar wanted to make a STD. call to punjab,
He wanted to save money so what did he do?
Simple, he went to punjab and made a local call.
============================================
Oye paaji, apni pregnant wife ko itne dard mein hospital
ki jagah pizza hut kyun leja raha hai........
Sardarji: Kyun key pizza hut mein"Delivery Free" hai.
========================================
Sardarji aapko bus me logo ne kyu mara?
Sardarji: Are yaar mere photo bus me niche gir gaya aur mene kaha
madam jara sari upper kijiye photo lena hai.....
================================================
A Sardar enters shop shouts, Where is my free gift with this oil?
Shopkeeper: Iske Saath koi gift nahin hai bhai saab...
Sardar : Oye ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE.
====================================================
One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village?
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!
===========================================================
Teacher: A for?
Sardar: Apple
Teacher: Jor se bolo?
Sardar: Jay mata di.
=========================================================
American says: " US mein shaadi E-mail se hoti hai.."
Sardarji says: " India me to.. shaadi Fe-mail se hoti hai...!!!"
===============================================================
When TITANIC was sinking, a man asks Sardarji, how far is LAND?
Sardar: 2kms....
Man jumps into THE sea & asks: which way?
Sardar: DOWNWARDS.
========================================================
Sardar orders pizza.
Waiter: Sir shud i cut it into 4 pieces or into 8 pieces?
Sardar: 4 hi karde 8 khaye nahi jayenge
=======================================================
Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.
Santa: Who r u?
Girl: Seeta here.
Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya
=========================================================
Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?
Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta
hai jaise usko vapas karne aya hai.
===================================================
Sardar sitting on the top of the mountain and studying.
When a person asked what he was doing?
He replied, Oye! higher studies yaar.
===================================================
2 sardars were fighting after exam.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
1 Sardar: This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
1 Sardar: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we
both copied.
===================================================
A sardar learning english introduces his family in the party:
Hi! I am sardar,
this is my sardarni,
he is my kid,
& she is my kidney.
=============================
Sardar 1: I